Jonah Falcon, the man with the world's largest penis.

Jonah Falcon has the world's largest, officially recorded penis.

He's an actor and writer, having made appearances on several TV shows.

A few years back, he appeared on John Stewart's The Daily Show. Clip here (clip only available in the US).

While his appearance on the show is undeniably funny, his life story is more complicated. A significant part of his self-identity has been tied to his huge penis; this isn't really that surprising, given how central penis size is to masculine identity. People that have met him claim he's somewhat socially awkward, and struggles with the balance between pride in his penis and the need to be recognized as a person separate from his massive member.

This clip from the show Strange Sex tells his story:

For more, visit http://tlc.discovery.com/videos/strange-sex-videos | The man that holds the Guinness Book of World Records' title of the world's largest penis explains the challenges of living so well endowed.

Here are some more recent clips:

http://www.aljadeed.tv http://www.facebook.com/aljadeedonline http://www.twitter.com/aljadeednews http://www.youtube.com/subscription_center?add_user=aljadeedonline

Jonah falcon and his interview about having the world's biggest penis. He follows me on Twitter & you can too:) www.Twitter.com/blackirishry enjoy!

Penis-stealing witches.

The Middle Ages (5th-15th centuries, AD) were characterized by anti-intellectualism, cultural stagnation, and the predominance of magical thinking regarding the sciences and medicine. Not surprisingly, books were burned, education was discouraged, and the arts were basically banned.

It's during these times that belief in witchcraft became a dominant theme in understanding illness, disease, and mental health. Pretty much any problem you can think of was blamed on witches. And if a woman was accused of being a witch, there was no recourse - she would be typically be killed.

*As an aside, if you've never seen Monty Pythons and the Holy Grail, you should. The witch scene is at 16:30.*

I will upload more movies really soon

It likely won't come as a shock, but people believed that witches would steal men’s penises. This belief is described in the 15th-century book Malleus Maleficarum, which is ostensibly about witch hunting.

A recent article in Broadly described this belief in more detail:

Witches Allegedly Stole Penises and Kept Them as Pets in the Middle Ages
by Callie Beusman

According to a 15th century guide to detecting and eradicating witchcraft, witches were capable of making penises vanish—and some even kept them in nests and fed them oats.

Since time immemorial, men have worried irrationally about perceived threats to their penises. Long before there was castration anxiety, there was something far more sinister: the myth of phallus-stealing witches who kept wriggling, dismembered members as pets.

The best-known description of this practice occurs in the Malleus Maleficarum, a 15th century witch hunting manual written by Heinrich Kramer. Historians typically regard it as a ludicrous and misogynistic text that nonetheless resulted in countless vicious murders of women accused of witchcraft; in The Salem Witch Trials Reader, Frances Hill describes it as "one of the most terrifying and obnoxious books ever written." The Malleus is rife with obvious anxieties about female sexual desire—as folklorist Moira Smith notes in her paper, Penis Theft in the Malleus Maleficarum, "Many of the crimes (maleficia) attributed to witches concerned sexuality: copulation with incubus devils, procuring abortions, causing sterility and stillbirth, and impeding sexual relations between husbands and wives."

Read the rest here: link.

Homologous genital structures, explained.

In the early stages of development, male and female embryos are almost indistinguishable. Over the first few weeks of pregnancy, the gonads (what will eventually become the ovaries or testes) start to develop and differentiate (i.e., become different).

After about the seventh week, the male gonads begin to produce male sex hormone (a relation of testosterone), which causes the genital tissues in males to become masculinized. Female development continues without the presence of male sex hormone.

Because the female and male genitals come from the same original embryonic tissue, and differentiation is simply the result of the presence of male sex hormone, much of the male and female genital anatomy can be traced back to a shared origin. The parts of the anatomy that come from the shared original embryonic tissue are called homologous structures. For example, the glans of the penis is homologous to the glans of the clitoris (they come from the same original embryonic tissue).

This video does a great job of explaining the concept:

TWEET IT - http://clicktotweet.com/36Jk0 Dear Gentlemen, science has a confession. You were once...a female - which helps to explain where your nipples came from. Watch and learn. Written and created by Mitchell Moffit (twitter @mitchellmoffit) and Gregory Brown (twitter @whalewatchmeplz).

The science of erections and why many men struggle.

My latest piece for AskMen.com. A review of the physiology of erections, what causes erections, and how performance anxiety leads to erectile difficulties.

How Erections Work
AskMen Science: We Took A Long, Hard Look At What Makes Your Manhood Tick
by Dr. Jason Winters

You probably don’t remember the first time that you got an erection. That’s because it almost certainly happened when you were an infant. Infant males start getting erections at an early age, as their nervous systems develop. Most will also play with themselves and may even engage in masturbation-type behavior. It’s all part of developmental discovery, and is considered completely normal and healthy.

Some parents, not knowing this, freak out and worry that their kids are becoming sexual at too early of an age. They may unintentionally shame their sons, which can lead them to have some toxic feelings about sex, masturbation, and their bodies.

While shaming boys for getting erections and playing with their penises is to be avoided, as boys get a little older, it’s important to establish boundaries in terms of where and when it’s appropriate to play with oneself — for example, no masturbating at the dinner table.

By adolescence, most boys become well aware that their dicks get hard and that stimulation feels good. It’s usually around puberty that most guys start masturbating to get off. It’s also around that time that spontaneous boners become a thing.

Many guys have traumatic memories of spontaneous boners happening at the most embarrassing times, like in class, on the bus, or hanging out at the swimming pool. It’s pretty much a universal experience. Spontaneous boners can be the result of random nervous system activity, and can also be due to unnoticed sexual arousal (i.e., horniness).

But while most guys have spent a lot of time thinking about their erections, they might not know much about how and why they happen — so I'm going to clear all that up for you. 

Check out the rest here: link.

Animation of MtF sex reassignment (corrective) surgery.

Passed along by Afrooz (thanks!).

While many people have heard of sex reassignment/corrective surgery (i.e., surgically changing someone's genitals to match their experienced sex), most have no idea of what the surgery involves. It's a tricky process, and one that is constantly being refined to produce more optimal results for the patient in terms of both appearance and functioning.

Surgery typically follows after sex hormone therapy has begun. Sex hormones are required for the person's lifetime. For someone who transitions physiologically from male to female, female sex hormones are necessary as the body does not produce its own, even after surgery (i.e., we're not at a point where ovaries, which are the primary source of female sex hormones, can be transplanted).

The video below depicts the surgical procedure required for transition from male to female. Keep in mind that it was produced in 2009, and there have been major advancements since. Nonetheless, it gives you a good idea of how complicated the procedure can be.

OP-Verfahren zur Geschlechtsumwandlung von Mann zu Frau

The French impotence trials.

When it comes to sex, performance anxiety is very common.

In males, it typically plays out in two ways: (1) difficulty getting and/or maintaining erection; and (2) ejaculating too quickly (however that's defined).

In females, performance anxiety tends to be focused on having an orgasm.

Performance anxiety can be a mere annoyance or distraction for some people; for others, it can seriously ruin their sex lives.

In France, back in 16th and 17th centuries, male performance anxiety took on a whole new and scary meaning. Husbands who were accused on being unable to consummate their marriages could be brought before the court to prove their virility.

From the SmartSet:

Standing Un In Court
In the dreaded French impotence trials, performance anxiety took on new meaning.
By Tony Perrottet

Think the Spanish Inquisition was harsh? Just as intimidating to many men were the French impotence courts of the 16th and 17th centuries, when husbands charged with erectile dysfunction were obliged to prove their virility before witnesses.

A husband’s inability to perform was one of the few reasons that the Church would allow a marriage to be annulled, so disgruntled women who could afford the legal costs would regularly charge their husbands with “injurious non-consummation” before ecclesiastical courts. 

[…]

The onus was placed on the husband to demonstrate his powers of erection before an expert team of priests, surgeons, and midwives. These learned observers would carefully examine his equipment to reach an opinion on its “elastic tension” and “natural motion,” before demanding “proof of ejaculation.” Many men found that their powers would fade on first examination. “Just looking at you makes me shrivel,” one humiliated husband moaned to his tormentors.

Any man who failed this test had only one recourse to avoid becoming a laughing-stock. He could demand Trial by Congress, wherein he would carry out his conjugal duty before the team of experts as 100 percent proof that he could perform.

Read the rest here: link.

What Google searches tell us about peoples' sex lives.

Google makes all of its search data publicly available. According to Google, 100 billion searches are done each month. That means a lot of data. And because sex is something that is searched often, there is a treasure trove of sex-related search data for the taking. 

This piece in the New York Times by economist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz digs deep into the Google search data to tell us about our anxieties and the states of our relationships. There are a couple of nifty infographics that summarize his findings. The piece is worth a read - it's fun and informative.

From the New York Times: 

Searching for Sex

ARE you confused by sex? I certainly am.

One of the many reasons sex is puzzling is that we lack reliable data. People lie to friends, lovers, doctors, surveys and themselves.

Three years ago, when I was a graduate student in economics, I began to write about how new data, particularly Google searches, could give us fresh insights into socially sensitive topics. Since then, many people have asked me to write about sex.

I was wary because I wanted to do more research. Now I’m finally ready to report. Call it everything you always wanted to know about sex, but didn’t have the data to ask.

Let’s start with the basics. How much sex are we having? Traditional surveys are no good at answering this question.

I analyzed data from the General Social Survey, a classic source. Heterosexual men 18 and over say that they average 63 sex acts per year, using a condom in 23 percent of them. This adds up to more than 1.6 billion heterosexual condom uses per year.

And one of the infographics: 

Read the rest here: link.

Penis extender sheaths for extra length and girth.

There really isn't anything available that can physiologically increase penis size or girth. However, there are other options. Oxballs is a sex toy company whose target clientele are (kinky) gay men. Among the products they sell (check out the rest here - NSFW) are penis extender sheaths. This is what they look like:

They're worn over top of the penis, adding length and girth (see the rest of the NSFW photos here).

Oxballs isn't the only game in town - other companies are making similar products. If this sort of product could be marketed to straight men in a way that doesn't bruise their egos, I could see something like this becoming very popular for those men looking to gain a few centimeters (or more). In fact, some have already started to dabble, according to sex toy stores.

Dan Savage addressed penis sheaths in a Savage Love last year: link.

The Bodyimage Project.

Passed along by Afrooz (thanks!), via Dodson and Ross.

Projects like this are not new, and that's a good thing. Over the last several years, a few have sprung up. Their express purpose is to provide some balance to the highly produced and processed (i.e., digitally manipulated) photos of models and celebrities that you see in the media. These projects are fundamentally about diversity, and how diversity is good.

The Bodyimage Project by Marshall Bradford is still in its development phase. Given its early success, he's committed to something much larger, which will be coming down the pipeline in the near future. For the time being, however, he's posted some photos through his Facebook account.

From the description:

Image is everything. If you don't look like the media tells you to you will never make it in the world. Forget about finding love and happiness. That's what the pretty people get.

Or that's what we are told. I don't really feel that way. As a photographer in Las Vegas I have shot my share of high polish perfect modeling photos and I'm not saying I won't shoot stuff like that in the future. I am also an artist and to that end I have the need to try new things with my art.

My thought with this project I wanted to show what we really look like. I wanted to photograph people simply being themselves and being proud of that. People should love how they look and love themselves first. No matter the way you look you should remember that your happiness comes from within. That's the goal of this work. To allow the subjects own beauty to show. I have learned a lot starting this project and I'm excited to see where it leads me to.

Go check out the project and photos here: link (you need to be on Facebook; also, Facebook doesn't allow photos of genitals and breasts, thus the silly edits)

Man with bionic penis to lose virginity with dominatrix who once ran for parliament.

File this one away in news of the extremely uncommon.

From i100 at the Independent (in its entirety - link):

A man whose penis was ripped off in a road accident, and who has subsequently received surgery to fit an 8-inch bionic penis, is to lose his virginity to an “award winning” dominatrix who unsuccessfully ran for parliament.

Mohammed Abad, from Edinburgh, was run over when he was six years old in Huddersfield, in 1978. During the accident his penis was sliced off as he was dragged 600ft by a car.

Mr Abad had surgery to fit a fully functional 8 inch bionic penis in 2012. The organ has two tubes which inflate when he presses a button on his testicle.

Abad said:

“I have waited long enough for this — it’ll be a great start to the new year.

My penis is working perfectly now so I just want to do it. I’m really excited. I can’t wait for it to finally happen.”

Mr Abad also says he dreams of one day becoming a father.

He will meet up with sexual freedom campaigner Charlotte Rose in London this week for a dinner date.

Rose, a 35-year-old who won the British Erotic Award for ‘Sex Worker of the Year’ in 2013, ran for MP in the Clacton by-election in October 2014 and the Rochester and Strood by-election the following month as an independent on a platform of sexual freedom.

Rose, a mother of two, said she will waive her usual £200-an-hour fee:

“I am so honoured that he chose me to take his virginity.

We plan to have a dinner date so we can get to know each other and then two hours of private time. I’m not charging him.

I’m happy to help him build up confidence.

Hopefully he can then find a lovely lady to settle down with.”

Penis size: Does it matter?

First contribution to AskMen.com: more to come.

Does Penis Size Matter?
How Big Is Normal? And Do Women Really Care? Get The Answers Here
by Dr. Jason Winters

Penis size is a major source of anxiety for a lot of guys. The anxiety can be bad enough that it completely undermines their self-confidence as sex partners. This is understandable given the importance of the penis size in many men’s minds. Despite this very real feeling concern, is penis size that important when it comes down to doing the dirty?

What Exactly Is Average?

Penis size, much like most human traits, follows the bell curve. This means that almost all guys fall within the normal range.  Very few men have penises that would be considered particularly small or large. At one end of the penis size spectrum is congenital micropenis, defined as approximately 2.5 inches or less in length, fully erect. About half of one percent of men would fall into this category. At the other end of the spectrum is someone like Jonah Falcon, the man who currently holds the record for the largest penis. His penis is 13.5 inches erect, making it extremely difficult if not impossible to have penetrative sex. So what’s the average?

Read the rest here: link

Art show at the Belkin: Maria Eichhorn's Film Lexicon of Sexual Practices.

Passed along by Franz (thanks!).

Running this fall at UBC's Belkin gallery is a retrospective of German artist Maria Eichhorn. One of the pieces is a series of films that she began almost 20 years ago. Here's the description from the Belkin's webpage:

Film Lexicon of Sexual Practices, begun in 1999, consists of 20 three-minute long (the length of a roll) 16 mm films. Each film depicts in a single shoot a close-up of the sexual activity named in the respective title – Anal coitus, Mouth, French Kissing, for example. Every time the work is exhibited, new films are produced. This is the fifth time the work has been shown and the Belkin has commissioned three new films for the exhibition: Japanese bondage, Wax play and Needle Play. Visitors to the exhibition can choose films from the titles listed on the wall and request the films to be screened by the attending projectionist.

More information: link.

Possibly another field trip?

Isabella Rossellini's Green Porno.

I've posted about Isabella Rossellini' Green Porno series previously, but it's worth a repost.

Growing up, I became acquainted with Isabella Rossellini, an actress, through two David Lynch films, Wild at Heart and Blue Velvet (I was a huge David Lynch fan as a kid). She is widely regarded worldwide as an exceptional actress.

Having achieved world domination as an actress, she turned her sights to various philanthropic conservation causes and a related pet project called Green Porno.

The series, which aired on the Sundance Channel, featured Ms. Rossellini and other actors dressed up as creatures and having sex. It was intended to be both educational and fun. You can read more about it here: link.

Here are a sample of the shorts:

Isabella Rossellini's bizarre and hilarious look at sex in the natural world, as she explores the mating habits of snails. Isabella Rossellini's critically acclaimed and provocative online series, GREEN PORNO covers both land and sea! The series features Rossellini as she acts out the reproductive habits of marine animals and insects, both scientifically accurate yet extremely entertaining.

After showing the world the unconventional mating and scandalous sex lives of animals in her Webby-award winning, internationally acclaimed short film series GREEN PORNO and SEDUCE ME, Isabella Rossellini returns to Sundance Channel and sets her provocative lens on creatures' rites of passage into motherhood in her latest series MAMMAS.

In this episode of GREEN PORNO, Isabella Rossellini takes a closer look at the life of an anchovy. Subscribe to SundanceTV: http://goo.gl/GTzxOZ Isabella Rossellini's critically acclaimed and provocative online series, GREEN PORNO (Season 3) covers both land and sea! The series features Rossellini as she acts out the reproductive habits of marine animals and insects, both scientifically accurate yet extremely entertaining.

Man has 80-pound scrotal mass removed.

For 20 years, Dan Maurer had been living with a rare condition called scrotal lymphedema that causes the scrotum to grow to an enormous size. The condition had gone misdiagnosed and doctors had told him that he simply needed to lose weight. When he did lose weight and the mass continued to grow, he knew it was something else. It wasn't until he saw a piece on TLC featuring another man with the same condition that he realized what was going on. He immediately sought out treatment. Recently the mass was successfully removed.

You can read more about his story here.

And a video clip:

Dan Maurer of Battle Creek, Michigan, has a very unusual medical condition. His scrotum weighs 100 pounds! He tells CNN affiliate WZZM that he is a little embarrassed to talk about it, but he wants people to learn more about his condition.

If you're curious about the surgical procedure to remove the mass, check out this video (NSFW, and features surgery):

man has huge nutsack removed by surgeons weighing in at 132 pounds it was removed by a surgeon in the usa for free as this man had no insurance

Video: Spider vs. Penis from Smarter Every Day.

Passed along by someone in the the comments section (thanks!):

Yesterday's lecture reminded me of a video from the youtube series "Smarter Every Day". Apparently a bite from the Brazilian wandering spider can cause priapism. The video goes into what causes priapism and has some good info on penis anatomy and erections. Hope it's interesting! (and not too painful to watch)

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED: (Especially if you are male) WHY A 4 HOUR WARNING? Tweet this: http://bit.ly/SpiderVsPenis Post to FB: http://bit.ly/SpidervsPenisFB ⇊ Click to Expand! ⇊ Download a free book on Audible: http://bit.ly/AudibleSED My goal here was to present the information in an extremely respectful way. Every man should know this.

The village where girls grow penises.

In a place called Salinas in the Dominican Republic, a strange thing happens to some girls as they enter puberty - they begin to grow penises. This is know as guevedoces, which translates roughly to balls at twelve (heuvos are eggs).

It's prevalent in Salinas, as many families carry a mutation of the gene that is responsible for 5α-reductase, the enzyme that converts testosterone (T) into 5α-dihydrotestosterone (DHT). DHT is a much more potent androgen (male sex hormone) than T, and is largely responsible for male sexual differentiation of the genitals in utero. It is also responsible for male pattern baldness and enlarged prostates. The drug finasteride (Proscar) inhibits conversion of T to DHT, which makes it effective in treating these problems.

During development of a male embryo, an absence of DHT due to a mutation of the gene responsible for 5α-reductase means that the genitals will remain female, or intersexed (all embryonic genital tissue comes from the same origins in males and females). However, at puberty, there is often a sufficient surge of T produced by the testes for male sexual differentiation to happen. This can account for females seemingly becoming male.

A recent article in the Washington Post describes this in more detail: link.

Freud plays Tetris.

Source unknown.

New study: What is a good looking penis?

This study, recently published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, has been reported on widely, despite it being small and not originally intended as a examination of penis traits generally considered most attractive. The researchers were interested in the impact of surgery for hypospadias, a congenital condition characterized by a urethral opening in the wrong location (i.e., not at the tip of the glans), on perceived penis attractiveness. Because they had subjects rate control penises (i.e., those unaffected by hypospadias), they also had data demonstrating aspects considered most attractive for penises in general.

From Refinery29:

For a new study published in the The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the researchers asked 105 women in three different age groups — 16 to 20, 25 to 30, and 40 to 45 years old — to rank the importance of "eight penile aspects," including girth and length but also such traits as scrotum appearance. According to the women, the most important aspect was "general cosmetic appearance," followed by pubic hair appearance, penile skin, penile girth, glans shape, penile length, scrotum appearance, and position and shape of the urethra in last place. One takeaway, then, is that penis owners feeling insecure about creatively positioned urethras can relax. 

In addition to ranking penis traits, study participants also compared 10 photos of circumcised penises with 10 photos of penises that had been surgically treated for hypospadias, a condition in which the urethra is located on the underside of the penis; the participants then rated how "normal" they found the treated penises to look (they weren't informed beforehand which penises were which). Apparently, this study was inspired by the shame that some people with hypospadias feel, even after receiving surgery. The women in the study found the majority of the penises with hypospadias to look as "normal" as the circumcised-only penises; the change in their reactions to "different"-looking penises was deemed too small to be relevant.

Read the rest here.

Genitals most searched human anatomy on Wikipedia.

From Slate:

The incredibly popular, highly contentious Wikipedia pages for penis and vagina. Plus: Meet a guy who uploaded one of the penis photos. By Ben Blatt

Wikipedia co-founder Jimmy Wales has described his vision for the free encyclopedia as "the sum of all human knowledge." It's a noble goal, but it turns out that many Wikipedia users—readers and editors alike—are less interested in the sum than the parts. Two parts, in particular: the human penis and vagina.

Wikipedia keeps detailed records of page views and edit history so it’s easy to measure how often readers visit each article and how much work editors have put into each page. You might guess the entries for brain and human brain would be the most popular anatomy pages, given the brain’s importance and complexity. But together they average a total of only 215,000 views a month—considerably less than one-half the monthly page views either the penis or vagina page receive. The penis page is so popular it receives four times as many views as head, shoulders, knees, and toes—combined.

Here’s a graphic that shows the popularity of different anatomy related pages on Wikipedia

Wikipedia Genitals

Read the rest here.

Smallest penis in Brooklyn competition.

Write up at the Gothamist from last year's competition, copied in all its glory:

[NSFW] Photos: Smallest Penis In Brooklyn Contest Returns With Bigger Crowds, Bigger Penises

As promised, the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant made its return to the borough this weekend, with five new penises and the bodies attached to them vying for the coveted title. For a few stifling hours, Bushwick's Kings County Bar transformed into one giant bachelorette party—assuming that party was held on the 4 train during rush hour, because that's how mobbed this bar was, with everyone and their mother (there were a few mothers there) anxious to see all the teeny peen.

The madness kicked off around 2 p.m., when a block-long line started trickling in—word on the street was that the first ladies in line had been there since 11:30 a.m. The bar was bedecked with penis-related balloons, streamers and decor. Bartenders were serving up a special "Penis Colada" drink: a creamy, white concoction that by no coincidence looked like semen, and came with a penis-shaped straw to boot. By 3 p.m., you couldn't move a muscle in the joint, but it was time for the festivities to start. The judges—broadcaster Carolyn Fox, sex educator Kendall McKenzie and bar owner Aimee Arciuolo—took their seats. Uproarious drag queen Chicken Bitches, donning a fur coat and ferocious blonde wig, was back to reprise her role as Master of Ceremonies, introducing the contestants.

A block long line for smallest penis contest. pic.twitter.com/GxdsIfNSk2

— Zee Y (@ZeeLoveGeeks) June 14, 2014

Now for the micro penises. There were five contestants this year: the Puzzle Master, Rufio, Rajkumar, Twig 'n Berries and Spiderman mask-wearing Peter Parker, who was a contestant last year, albeit under a different name. Rip Van Dinkle, who was a star sensation at last year's competition, was unable to make it this year thanks to travel woes, according to his Facebook. The contestants were introduced to the audience via a question-and-answer session, where Rajkumar instantly won the crowd's (and judges') hearts by singing and dancing to an Indian song and telling the crowd he liked "kissing" in bed.

And though this was a tiny penis competition, it was pretty clear from the get-go that both Rufio and Twig 'n Berries had perfectly average-sized penises. "Your dick is too fucking big," judge Fox told Rufio, before slamming him with a poor score. Note that the penises were covered with decorative toilet paper. "Because of legal regulations, we cannot show you the dick," Chicken Bitches advised us.

Post-Q&A came the swimsuit competition. The fellers lined up on top of the bar, junk camouflaged with aqua-colored cloth covered with sea creatures (like crabs!). There, they were sprayed with water by Super-Soaker wielding bar staff, and urged to dance for the crowd. Once again Rajkumar came out the winner. Once again, Rufio's normal-sized penis earned shame from the judges. "That looks like a big ol' dick," one judge yelled at him. At this point, the bar was so packed I had to find sanctuary up against a garbage can in the corner, for fear of getting trampled by a team of squealing, micro penis fetishists.

Today there was a "Smallest Penis In Brooklyn" contest. And that's all you need to know.

— Coffee and Cupcakes (@stridestruggles) June 15, 2014

Contestants had a real chance to shine during the talent section. The Puzzle Master reenacted Buffalo Bill's "Would You Fuck Me? I'd Fuck Me" scene from Silence of the Lambs, before dropping trou and treating the crowd to a view of his tucked-away junk. Rufio told terrible jokes. "What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your wife will always blow the bonus." He was appropriately vilified by the judges and Chicken Bitches, who had emerged as the hero of the night.

Crowd favorite Rajkumar treated us to a full-throttle Bollywood dance, and Peter Parker rocked out to "Jump On It." Twig 'n Berries delved into a rendition of Monty Python's "The Lumberjack Song," before taking his pants off and titillating the crowd with a rare full-frontal (and not small, the cheater!) penis sighting.

Finally, there was the crowning. The contestants wore tiny tuxedos over their penises in celebration. Last year's winner, Nick Gilronan, was there to hand off the title, telling the crowd that his life hadn't changed too much since he crushed last year's competition, but he did get laid a couple times this year. Rufio and Twig 'n Berries were tossed from the top three, due to their attempt to sneak regular-sized penises into a small penis competition. Briefly, a horrific sewage smell spread through the bar, and many attendees fled for fresher air, finally alleviating some of the claustrophobia.

Ultimately, Rajkumar was proclaimed the winner, landing $200 in cash, a date out in Bushwick with two sisters, and a place in Small Penis history.

Rajkumar lives in Manhattan, but moved here from India by way of Bloomington, Indiana after winning a Fulbright. He says having a small penis has never stopped him from finding romance. "I have enough fun with women," he told us, noting that ladies never complained about his size. "It's okay, from whatever to whatever. You are what you are." After all, Gupta says, true love has nothing to do with your disco stick. "Penis size is of the least importance," he said. "Most important is love and devotion. It's all about love." Gupta plans to make a film about his journey from India to Indiana, and hopefully his Smallest Penis title will earn a mention. "I really believe it's going to be a blockbuster," he said.

And so concludes our commentary on the Great Small Penis Shitshow of 2014. A few notes: Kings County Bar will be moving a few blocks away at the end of this month, and Arciulo promises the space is much bigger than the current incarnation, which will hopefully alleviate some of the miserable crowding that crushed this year's show, should you choose to attend. Also, between competitions, music comedy duo Afterbirth Monkey treated attendees to some excellent penis-themed music, stealing the show from all the actual penises. I'd pay $5 to see them again, if not the scrotum.